January 2009
43 posts
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Jack Bauer Would Have Hired Me
The Only 5 Things More Intense Than the Return of 24
Usain Bolt racing a cheetah at The Indianapolis Speedway
An unshaven Hugh Jackman passing a kidney stone
4 words: Gossip Girl Season Finale!!!!!!!!
A shirtless Henry Rollins riding a rhinoceros across the Sahara Desert as he races to meet a recently come-to-life Sphinx to challenge him to a battle of brute strength on a...
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Where's the Emoticon for Soul-Crushing Rejection
So, I, like thousands of people applied to be a blogger for Best Week Ever. I had to write 2 original blogs and I have been waiting for a response since then. I think I can assume now that they are pursuing other avenues. They’re probably hiring the guy that came up with LOLcats or someone that knows Miley Cyrus (biblically). So here’s the first of 2 blogs I wrote weeks ago. Keep...
WatchGod I love Carl. Also, check out last year’s BCS rant courtesy of everyone’s favorite Polish neighbor by way of Jersey.
“Q: What color are your nails?
A: They’re usually white girls.”
– Me in a myspace survey. (Hey, I thought it was pretty clever.)
How Do You Keep Warm?
poll by twiigs.com
OR
Trombones are the new "Fail". (Courtesy of Nate) →
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My Universe Just Collapsed on Itself
That’s Megan Fox playing Guitar Hero. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom.
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"Finally, your two loves on a t-shirt!"
I saw this shirt yesterday and just got around to posting it. Maybe the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen. (Well, most ridiculous thing seen yesterday. I’ve seen a lot of ridiculous things.) For all you Deadheads out there, now you can support your favorite jam band and your favorite football team at the same time. It’s machine washable for all those nasty weed brownie stains...
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Greinke Signs 4 Year Deal. Celebrates with Corn...
The Royals signed Zach Greinke to a 4 year deal yesterday. Which is awesome. As long as he delivers. He’s always been a weird guy and his interviews are hilarious. (In a “so boring it’s entertaining” sort of way) All he can seem to be able to talk about is golf and Chipotle burritos. But I’m glad to see the Royals lock down a promising young pitcher. Although,...
I'm more confused than W. in English class.
So, Herm Edwards got fired. Everyone knows that by now. And I’m sure most of you have heard the rumor that Shanahan is in talks to be the new head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs. Which thoroughly dumbfounds my emotions and brain. I’ve hated this guy for so long that I can’t wrap my brain around this decision. But at the same time, the guy has 2 rings and is clearly a good...
Obama Orders Quizno's to Close. Wait, I Mean...
As everyone probably knows. New President/US Weekly Cover Boy Barack Obama ordered Gitmo to close yesterday. Sure this is significant for many reasons. But one reason is that detainees might be moved to Leavenworth, KS. Which is just in my backyard. (Yes, I bought a starter home on the front lawn of a federal penitentiary. Needless to say, I keep my dog in the front yard to avoid Michael...
Guess What I Bought Today? (Non-hooker related)
If you thought I get excited about Watchmen, you have no idea. The Wire box set was on sale for $81 on Amazon. (Thanks Whitney for the heads up.) So in a few weeks, I’m going to curl up on the couch in my best whitey shirt courtesy of Bubbles and smoke some Newports while Omar, Marlo, Avon, and Stringer take some bitches down. If Watchmen is a geek-rection, this is my gansta-rection.
Oscar Nominations
Oscar nominations were released today. I have only seen one of the best picture nominees. (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) And since the entire internet has brought up how similar it is to Forrest Gump, I’ll spare you that. But I will say this: No one uses an over-the-top accent and no one performs an unholy act with Sally Field. Which puts Gump in select company. The only...
Something, Something, Hope, and Change.
Everyone is talking about the inauguration today. So I’ll spare you. It was a little anticlimactic anyway. More excited for Obama to get to work.
So today’s topic will be….jalapeno kettle chips. I really like them. I prefer the Jimmy John’s variety. I like to crush them up and put them on a Bootlegger. It’s very delicious and messy. Today I had the...
“Lunchables are delicious”
– Me. Just now. To myself.
Tickle Me Emo to be on CSI: NY (Hopefully as a...
Oh joy. My favorite long-banged, sad kid and his wife are going to be on CSI:NY. Now, I’m not a CSI person but I know it usually involves murder. Is it too much to ask that a prop guy “accidentally” replace all the rubber knifes with real ones? I just want to see if Pete Wentz’s blood is made of kitten tears.
Side note: That’s the first time Wentz has been...
Who is the most long-winded Politician. (Who... →
My Glasses Just Fogged with Excitement
So……FOX and WB have been fighting over the rights to Watchmen. Well they settled yesterday and the movie is going forward as planned. So, as you probably have deduced by now, this makes me extremely excited. And I’m not even THAT big of a nerd. So to celebrate, I’m wearing my underwear outside of my pants today and I’ve made a cape out of computer paper. I’m...
WatchSo I’m not the only one that thinks FOX’s NFL coverage is ridiculous and stupid. Especially everyone’s favorite, pointless computer animation.
Douchebag Poll
poll by twiigs.com
Guest Blog from Schmidty
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. John Schmidt with his thoughts on everyone’s favorite college quarterback.
Hey Tim Tebow, look under your playbook wristband and scope out the rainbow WWJD bracelet…would Jesus taunt the opposition when a football game is mere seconds from being over? I think not. For that and many other reasons I think you are a farce. A douche bag too, but we’ll...
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Chiefs Hire Someone...Try Not to Fuck it Up.
Apparently the Chiefs hired Scott Pioli today. Is this good news? Will he fire Herm? Who is he going to draft? Great taste or less filling? Will Jim and Pam every get married? Answers to these questions and how many Skittles I can fit in my mouth at one time in my next blog.
“Do you think the most appropriate MLK gift to give someone would be a...”
– Me
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Bleep.....bloop. Bleep.....bloop. ...
Can I just say how happy I am that 24 is back? Jack Bauer is an American hero and our greatest national treasure. He’s so intense! I bet he’s that intense in everyday life too. Like if Southwest Airlines loses his luggage.
SWA Employee: “I’m sorry Mr. Bauer, we’re working as hard as we can to find your suitcase.”
Jack: (Pulls out ball peen hammer) ...
“Lester Bangs: Aw, man. You made friends with them. See, friendship is the booze...”
– Almost Famous (Best dialogue ever)
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KU Propositions a Minor
Kansas offered a basketball scholarship to high school freshman, Perry Ellis. Which offically makes that infinitely more appropriate than what I usually offer high school freshmen. (Hint: It’s in that van with no windows.)
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Dance of the Elliptical Fairy
So, I recently began attending a gym again. It wasn’t going to be a New Years resolution thing, but my timing was terrible. Anyways. I witnessed the delicate ballet of someone that clearly had never seen a gym before. It was awesome. Especially because it was like a ballet. Except, the ballerina had a club foot and vertigo.
It was like this:
Look at machine
Raise eyebrow
Sit on...
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Sabathia must be Spanish for "Son of a Bitch."
Wanna know how long it takes CC to make as much as you do? Well wonder no more. So help me god, if I find myself in New York and I see him remove a coin from the “take a penny” tray at a 7-11, I will personally force Johnny Damon to give him genital worts at gunpoint.
“Hey there good lookin’”
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Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
So I just got some new iPod headphones cause mine stopped working. They came with instructions. This dumbfounds me. What could possibly be the instructions for headphones?
1. Insert
2. Turn on
3. Start Rocking
I think my penis comes with the same instructions.
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Yay!
Apple is cutting its prices on iTunes. Now when you download illegally, you’re only robbing the Apple and the record companies of 69 cents instead of 99 cents. And that new Dannity Kane album is going to sound that much more awesome because of it.
- Ryan
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Hey, I'm with Ya, but You Probably Went a Little...
A man was killed in Colorado after he played Margaritaville on the jukebox. Now, I would in no way advocate the killing of another person over a shitty song. But that song is really, really shitty. Like I really think that if I go to hell, that song will be playing on loop for eternity. My head will be filled with visions of cougars in their best Talbot’s outfit inhaling cosmos at some...
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WatchIf this movie ever comes out, I’ll run out of things to post on the site.
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